Conversation between my old self and my new self about alcoholism and having “Just one drink.”.
I write this because these are the “feelings” I have everyday and I think writing about it in conversation form hopefully brings out the feelings I struggle with better and in a way that other people who struggle with alcoholism/addiction can relate to in a positive way.
The struggle is real and this is how it feels. For me.
I’m tired. Worn out. Need a break…and a drink. But I quit drinking. Ugh…I wonder if I can have just 1 drink…? That’s how it starts… Nope. I can’t do that.
Yes you can.
I know I ‘CAN’, but I won’t.
It’s ok. You are strong. You can do just one.
Come on…You know you can do it. Be strong. Just one.
No. I can’t.
Sure you can. What, are you weak?
No. I’m not weak. I just don’t want to risk it.
Look. I’m not doing it.
Yeah, you’re just weak. Simple as that.
No, I’m not weak at all.
Yes you are. If you were strong you could just have one and be done. That’s it. It’s that simple.
That’s not how it works.
Sure it is. You can have just one drink, sit and relax, watch a movie even, have dinner and get a good nights sleep.
That sounds so good, but I can’t. I can’t risk starting drinking again.
What’s the big deal? It’s not like you’re going to drink a whole damn 6 pack. You’re strong enough to have just one. You can do this. Be strong.
I am being strong by saying NO to the FIRST one. Now back the fuck off!
OK! OK! Whoa…Chill the fuck out man. Don’t take things so seriously.
This is serious and I refuse to have that one drink because one will lead to just one more, then just one more, then before you know it I’ll be drunk and not care about another and another. At that point I’ll be hooked again. I will not risk that. I won’t do it.
Whatever. You’re just a fucking weak person with no willpower.
You’ve got it backwards. It takes will power and self discipline to say “NO!” to the FIRST drink and not start in the first place! Get it straight and stop trying to control me.
I’m not trying to control you. But you’d really know how strong you are if you could have just one and not have another. That takes strength. That takes will power.
You’re right. It does take strength for that. But not as much as not taking that first drink t begin with. That is the tough one not to do. That is the hardest decision. That is what takes true strength. That is what takes real will power. That is what takes discipline. I refuse to give in to temptation. I refuse to give in to weakness. If I had a drink now I’d be giving in. If I had a drink now I’d be giving up and THAT is weak. It takes more strength not to have that drink. Which is why YOU can fuck off!
[Old self gives up and walks away into the dark where he belongs…he’ll be back though…he always comes back. Maybe one day he’ll go away for good.]
That’s why I have to stay guarded, disciplined and strong.
I write because it’s a kind of therapy for me. It makes me feel a little better. Makes it a little easier for me. I write because I have to get it out. It helps. It’s a coping mechanism that allows me to express my feelings and expose the struggle within.
3 Months Alcohol Free
I quit drinking about 3 months ago and it’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I have some hope that by putting my story out there that maybe it helps someone else in some way and inspires them to quit and to get healthy.
I hope the story of my fight against my demons helps someone who may be struggling with addiction as I do daily.
Thanks for reading.
On a side note, I quit smoking about a month ago in an effort to get back in shape and live a healthier life. Also very difficult to do. I am proof it’s possible.
If you’re struggling don’t give up, know that it’s possible.
You can do it. You’re stronger than you know.
Thanks again for reading my story.